Calling all swingers! Attention all beautiful babies! Quick! Spin those Louie Prima records on the hifi and dig what Jason "the new Lenny Bruce" Fever has cooking up his sleeve (hint: it ain't smack daddy-O) yowzah!
It's no secret that our generation loves alcohol and we loves it when our alkyhaul is all dressed up fancy-like. I'm talking about swanky drinks, baby. Suave and debonair concoctions designed to fuel the delusional mind. So slip into that sharkskin suit, put "Workin with the Miles Davis Quintet" on the turntable, invite your sexy secretary over and swing Fever-style with Jason Fever's Unfunny Cocktail Recipes!

SALMON FIN GIZZ

-About 9 ice cubes
-3 ounces of gin
-1/2 ounce of canned salmon
-1 ounce Kahlua
-1/2 ounce dijon mustard
-2 teaspoons of spooge
-1 five dollar bill
-2 to 3 ounces of club soda

Garnish
-1 spicy buffalo wing
-1 maraschino watermelon
-1 thin slice pepperoni pizza

1. Chill a pilsner glass

2. Fill cocktail shaker with 6 of the ice cubes and add the gin, canned salmon, Kahlua, dijon mustard, and spooge. Shake vigorously to blend and chill.

3. Fill the chilled pilsner with the five dollar bill and the remaining ice cubes. Strain the mixture into the glass and add enough club soda to reach the top.

To garnish: With a plastic sword toothpick, skewer the spicy buffalo wing, maraschino watermelon, and pepperoni pizza and decorate the rim of the glass.

Serves 1

ROBOTUSSIN-A-GO-GO

-1 1/2 cups of crushed ice
-1 tablespoon Neosporin
-1 tablespoon boiling water
-3 ounces Robotussin
-3/4 ounce sweet vermouth
-2/3 cup cubed filet mignon
-1 tablespoon gravy
-3 dashes horseradish
-1 splash of mashed potatoes (redskin)

Garnish
-1 red vinyl dress
-1 vanilla bean (optional)

1. In a cup, dissolve the Neosporin in the boiling water.

2. Fill a cocktail shaker with the ice and add all the ingredients except the red vinyl dress. Shake vigorously to blend and chill.

3. Strain mixture into a large wine goblet. Make a slit in a red vinyl dress and insert it on the rim of the glass as a garnish. Add a vanilla bean, if desired.

Serves 1

Variation: Replace the red vinyl dress with brown corduroy Toughskins and prepare the glass with a sugar rim.

ANGRY ASS TONIC

-About 6 ice cubes
-2 ounces Jagermeister
-2 ounces Goldschlager
-1 ounce anti-stress bath crystals
-2 ounces Italian-style anal-leakage

Garnish
-1 menthol cigarette
-2 scant tablespoons superfine sugar
-1 lesion

1. Chill a 12 ounce glass.

2. Pour the anti-stress bath crystals into the bottom of the glass. Add the anal-leakage, but do not stir.

3. Fill the glass to the brim with the ice cubes. Slowly pour in the chilled Goldschlager to create another level. Then add the Jagermeister gently so that the bottom layers remain undisturbed.

To garnish: Place the superfine sugar in a small saucer. Cut a slit through the center of the lesion. Dip both sides of the lesion in the sugar to coat, then slide it onto the rim of the glass. Add a menthol cigarette as a swizzle stick. Serve with a straw and sip from the bottom.

Serves 1

Note: Anal-leakage is available at most liquor stores and at shops that sell flavored excretions for Italian sodas or specialty coffee drinks.